More Neglect

hello there!
i feel i'm neglecting this thing way too often.
but i guess i just don't have much going on my life to talk about.
Merry Christmas Eve!

Life Updates:
- i lost my backpack, all my photo negatives were in there. ...and my journal..
- looks like quarter one journal won't be published anytime soon, sorry.
- as mexicans, we're gonna open presents in about three hours! i'm fairly excited!
- new film Block is finished!!!
watch is here!
and Donate to Cinemapod Pictures!
- planned and executed my first crazyass party, i don't remember much of it, success.
- christmas shopping was less than extravagant. got videogames for my brothers, still need to paint a helmet for a friend, and buy stuff from a folk music store for another. i'm deciding on whether or not to make something for another friend, but after the shit i've been through, i might decide against getting her anything. but i still want to, just because i have a cool idea for a gift. might get stuff for other people as well, just don't have the time or money, maybe later, ya know, late christmas presents. hahaha


well thats all for now.
stay tuned for my next post: Reflections of 2009.




Pleasant Holidays to You All,

Michael Castellanos!

Eleven Down, One To Go.

December!
okay, so i'm rarely posting up on this bloggy asshole.
mostly because i don't really have much to write about that isn't about self-loathing and me being a sad sack. (which is neither fun to read or write, so i'm trying to do both of us a favor.)
i haven't been writing much in the ol' journal for similar reasons.
anywho,
i went back home for a week for thanksgiving. it rocked pretty fucking hard. being away from this shit hole for a week was fantastic and just what i needed. as you can probably tell, what slim hopes i had of liking it here in Angwin were slowly, surely, and brutally extinguished. so in short: puc is slowly killing my soul and depression is seeping through my once pleasant exterior once again, great.

but regardless of how i feel i'm going to pin this little phase on the fact i'm still a teenager, and teenagers are stupid.

in business news,
i haven't touched Yesterday's News, Vita, or another untitled project i'm working on. i did, in fact finish filming the short Block, i am currently editing it, and will be finishing it by the end of the week. Here is a raw still from Block:

i'm hoping it will turn out alright in the end, we lost too much daylight on the last available day to film and had to improvise like crazy. it was a lot of fun working behind a camera on a no boundary story once again. but now that i'm procrastinating on my dying computer in this dorm room i call an Editing Bay, i find myself full of mixed feelings. Editing is a bitch.



i've decided on not giving up,
but i haven't decided on what exactly i'm not giving up on.
quite the conundrum.

Michael Castellanos!

Neglect (i'm sorry blog!)

well i suppose i haven't been here in a while.
lots of strange new things happening.
sometimes great, sometimes awful.

i haven't been posting much here since i have been currently "writing" a journal.
once the year? semester? quarter? is over, i will publish this journal for free tickets for entry into my brain.

Updates:
- Need to film movie
- Yesterday's News is constantly changing plot
- Vita is untouched
- New short 'BLOCK' is currently being written
- San Francisco is EXPENSIVE and is draining my wallet
- Relationships with "tha' ladies": poor, as usual tradition
- Currently trying to change Relationship status: (see above update)
- Still trying to grow a beard
- Doodle-Book has turned into a quasi-journal, possible zine soon?
- Learned the difference between Quasi and Pseudo.
- May write and publish life stories as script/zine/short story since the subject has yet to come up in any conversations with anyone.
- Is keeping a .txt file of quotes people around me have said, just for movie additions.
- Bought an XBOX 360, modded it, found out MANY modded consoles are currently being caught and banned. i fear for my 360.
- Have been watching many old movies.
- I have MANY movies on my list of movies to watch, its actually stressing me out.
- Totally missing home and disliking it here.
- I'm kind of in a band now? (Classic Surf Rock Band?)
- I'm desperate for money and companionship but I refuse to merge the two in fear of what i may become.
- Suddenly getting in touch with old acquaintances, or getting to know people more than i used to know about them.
And i'm finding it strange.


i suppose that's all that's new.
please keep reading for further update.
feel free to comment, i'd like to hear reactions to my finger thoughts.




please consider me for the position,
i'm really a qualified guy,
and yeah, this is me applying for the job nonchalantly!

Michael Castellanos!

My City by the Bay

PUC's perks:
weather is nice,
classes are cool,
its proximity to San Francisco makes up for the fact its PUC.

Saturday, October 24, best day in a very long time.







Yellow Sub




Exploring




Why Isn't Chris von Snidern Famous?
(Met New People)




Sorry, Thanks



[Not Pictured]
Met Even More New People



[Not Pictured]
Ran Frantically Through the Streets of San Francisco
(something that has been on my list of things to do before i die,
and we did it three times (insert smiley face).)













like fresh water after wandering through the desert for many years,
...just what i needed.











till we meet again,

Michael Castellanos!





Note To Self:
$4 toll road to get in,
Take more pictures,
Make a better map,
Pack Many MANY Quarters,
Ditch the car,
Learn the BART and MUNI,
Another $4 toll to get out,
have something to talk about on a long car ride.

October 14, 2009

well its almost been a month since getting here.
hmmm.
i really want to go home.
i miss my family, my house, my bed, my bathroom.
heres my new home:




i just had to leave it all didn't i?
what a complete idiot i was, thinking i'd be accepted here with open arms.
its not like people here aren't nice, no, quite the contrary, most are very pleasant.
i just can't fully connect with these people. its like its still high school here, everyone already has their clicks. yes i'm welcome in it, but they're already a tight-knit group of pals. rarely can i find someone to hang out with who isn't already fully engaged in a group, or can easily part from group to group; and to that one person i say, "thank you very much!" regardless if it be from pity or not.
i must say though, the classes are awesome.
heres a picture of my schedule:

my roommate is groovy, he feels he can tell me anything, the feeling isn't mutual however. not because i'm a dick, i just don't like speaking of my personal life, fuck, i don't even like thinking about it.
i do wish i had a really good friend over here.
or anywhere for that matter.
everyone here has that one person they can tell everything to or do anything with,
everyone has a numero uno. regardless of whats going on.
it almost feels like i've left nothing for nothing.
i haven't had the rich privilege of a best friend for few years now.
and it totally sucks largely.
but i realize, you, my readers, are my best friends.
i love you dearly, and hate you passionately.
because you're nice enough to read my thoughts,
but none of you need me whatsoever.
but i don't give a shit, i'll tell you anything.
so here's my truth: i came here thinking i would have a best friend.
i came here with the hope i would have someone to introduce me to new people,
(since i'm not too great at meeting new people)
but my one flicker of hope i had in this place was extinguished day one.
you are dead to me.

on a side note i still have my escape, which was down for about a week and a half, and i almost went insane. goes to show how attached i am to my computer. hahahaha
i can sit here and write, read, watch, listen. when engaged in any of those, i get to forget where i am, and for those fleeting moments, i'm home. not just home, but home during a much brighter era of my life.
but then reality strikes like the morning after the best dream you've ever had.
"it's 2009, you are not home, and you have no one."

don't worry too much about me, readers.
yes i'm depressed, but i have been for a long time now.
(there was that period in which i was happy as a clam,
but i don't think that really existed.)
life giving me shit doesn't mean i can't keep trying here!
fuck you universe!
i'm not giving up!
-a strange guy who only talks about rock and roll wants me in his band!
-for the first time in over a year i'm inspired!
-my rage and depression are subsiding!
-i'm trying to work up the courage to ask out a pretty girl!
-my shoes glow in the dark!
-i'm iconic for being Michael, the brooding guy with long hair who rides a motor bike! (people know who i am!)
-i have a motor bike!
-i'm working on movies again!
-a fire engine full of girls my age passed by, they said i was cute.

just gotta go out there and try again.
hit the reset button of life and work my way through college.
although i don't think i'll be here long.
this is not where i belong. i'm really not wanted here.



moving on to other subjects!
- stopped work on "Vita" since i moved and do not have access to my actors
- i may rewrite "Vita" for on campus filming
- i received the new Protomen album in the mail!
you must buy it if you are a fan of rock music, operas, rock operas, megaman, or just any decent music whatsoever.buy it now, its so tasty.
it is a prequel to their self titled album, following a young Thomas Light and Albert Wiley as they first create their mechanical city.
- i started writing a new movie tentatively titled "Yesterday's News"
Tentative Synopsis for "Yesterday's News":
crappy hitman/mercenary/guy-for-hire races his ex-fiance(a bar owner/ex hitwoman)for one last hit. most likely will be funny, planning a fun twist at the end.


thats all the news for now.
keep me in your thoughts so that i don't give up.
times are tough.
thanks for reading.





everything right is wrong again,
Michael Castellanos!

You're My Best Friend

marking the end of a very long first week of school, i must say: fuck! seriously, to the max, dude.
its just weird going to a school where the amount of unity there is amongst itself is ridiculous, and still feel alienated, its strange, really. everywhere i turn i find a new ground to hang out with, only until i feel strangely unwelcomed soon after, or am instantly a third wheel, fuck do i hate being the third wheel. everyone has their groups which can hang out for hours, and each person will have something meaningful to talk about all the time. everyone has their group of best friends, who hang out all the time, or their personal best friend, whom they can talk forever with.
the most i contemplate on this, the more thorough i realize: i do not posses a best friend.
seriously? what the fuck? i really thought i did, but i was sadly mistaken. is it because i can't meet new people? i'm not a loner by choice here! i haven't had a best friend in years! everywhere i look someone runs up to someone with an unexpected big hug and a silly pet name, or someone is calling someone else up to ask where they are, and to come join them on whatever mundane adventure they're up to. wheres my unexpected hug? wheres my silly pet name? am i unpleasant to be around? am i boring? do i run out of things to say that fast? i'm going so say yes, but conversation has seemed to become a one way street here, once i run out of something to say, it gets to become an unbearably non-michael-oriented inside-joke-ridden shitstorm of a conversation
is this post my subtle cry for help? no. its me fucking yelling into a megaphone at your faces shouting, "HELP!" need i sing the lyrics to the Beatles' hit title Help!? which is surprisingly accurate to what i'm dealing with here.
(side note! fact: every life experience you're going through, there's a Beatles song about it.)
i'm so fucking sick and tired of having to go out and asking groups of my 'friends', "where are you guys going?" "can i come?"
when was the last time i was invited somewhere? i can't remember; that's pathetic. no one has called me in a long time to ask me, "lets go do something right now, anything." so dear readers i plead my cause to you, i need a best friend. someone who will wonder where i am, and why the hell i'm not doing something stupid with them. the mere thought that i can probably go an entire weekend standing, sitting, laying, dying, in my dorm room, without anyone once saying, "wheres Michael right now?" sickens me to the core of my soul.
why haven't i said this out loud before? i'm not sure dear readers. perhaps its because i feel more confident behind the wall of quasi-anonymity of the internet, maybe. i just need some help here (yes, read the lyrics) because i'm having one hell of a tough time without the help of my friends.

topical music:
Beatles - with a little help from my friends
Beatles - help!
Beatles - yesterday

god, how insanely sad this is! i have to stoop to asking for help by throwing out a request to the anonymous wind that is the internet to solve my crippling social handicaps.


perhaps my interests are just way too specific.
thats probably it.




my feet feel like sandpaper,

Michael Castellanos!

The Voice of God (is drunk)

well, September has been crazy as shit.
in less than five days i made the dumbass decision to move up to northern california and go to Pacific Union College, an Adventist College, i should've stayed with my job, wouldn't have made a difference. just thought quitting that job would yield better results, i was fucking wrong as usual! well, now it looks like i'm in it for the long haul! at least some people are happy to see me, everyone else who isn't can just go to hell. i'm just gonna make the most of it. things just keep getting weirder and weirder for me.

these are in fact, very true stories:
a week and a half before leaving, i was at the thrift store, and a girl about my age with long black hair walks up to me (yeah, she was pretty cute, but my standards are low, so fuck off) and asks me, "what makes you tick?" and i must say i am proud of myself for not freaking out, i totally said something witty: "i'm not sure, am i supposed to tick? i really think somethings broken in there. goddamn ticking all the time." it made her laugh, she walked closer, gave me a hug, and said "thanks." she walks off and i'm still in a daze, i ask her for her name but she said without turning back, "i have no idea!"
thrift store chicks are weird.

a couple days ago some guy was doing a religious speaking, talking about listening to the voice of god. about how god spoke to him to go into being a pastor or something by yelling at him while he was sitting in class, the whole disembodied voice deal. i didn't think much of it until yesterday. i was laying in my bunk by myself, just thinking about life. and i hear the voice right next to my face, not a booming greatness, but a calm but stern, "go party."
great, what the hell do i do with that? is god just telling me to chill out and party? isn't that bad advice for something who is just 're'starting college?


well ladies and gentlemen, life's a confusing bitch, always will be,
just gotta find the cool spot on the pillow and sleep our problems away.

speaking of cool spots,
why is it still so hot!?




thanks for everything i've done for you,
i no longer love you,
lets party the night away,

Michael Castellanos!

What Now?

What happens after college? are we bound to the ties that are created in high school, regardless of distance? can ties that were broken be re-strengthened post high school? are the people we meet and befriend in college become our life friends? what if no friends are made? are we allowed to hold on for dear life to the friendships we've made, wish to keep, or wish we didn't let die out?
can college be a new start? is it polite to ask for a reset button? can we go up to someone ask flat out ask, "hi, i would like to start over with you. forget everything, good and bad in high school, lets restart and see where this takes us, because i am not sure if i'm happy with the way it is now and i don't really know who you are anymore."
too blunt?
how does one go about meeting new people, i'm too self aware to just bump into people, getting our papers mixed up, and twist-of-fate-ingly find out we have something in common. personally i don't think i can meet new people on my own.
if that's my problem making friends, how the hell do i expect myself to ask anyone out on a date? i can say, lets go do etc. etc., but for some reason i can't find the guts to add, "just us two." it always ends up with "the whole gang."
one on one conversations just don't seem to work for me anymore. i can talk and talk if you keep talking and talking, ask me a question, i'll answer! don't stop! then i'll stop! and then we prematurely go our separate ways.
in france, they say that during those long pauses in conversations, its an angel ascending to heaven. makes me feel nice, but what the fuck do the french say about the long pauses in conversations that just end conversations? what the FUCK do i do with that? am i cursed with really fat angels? who take excruciating amounts of time to freaking ascend?
how do we continue a conversation with someone who is so interesting, but for some reason refuses to share anything with you? talk about yourself? i've run out of things to say about myself. in all honesty, i've spent more time talking with myself than in actual conversations. it never used to be like this. we used to talk for hours. what happened?


on a side note, newly purchased Beatles Rock Band,
rocks about as much, or more than, i thought it would.
totally awesome, great it you love the beatles,
fantastic if you love music.

i also managed to watch the new film 9 today.
although people have said its boring,
they're probably just being pretentious.
fun movie!
i fully enjoyed it.
i don't really wish to say much else though.
only out of being a bit tired.




i think i love you so very very much,

Michael Castellanos!

College Student?

as most people do, after graduating high school, i am currently attending college.
unfortunately, being a community college, a very popular and populous one, i had a very hard time getting any classes.
i am enrolled in only three classes. one of which begins in October.
i have already attended one of these classes and am pleased; although i was an hour late both times to the same class... be that as it may, i still have way too much free time, and with most of my friends off to college in far away places, i have the worst kind of free time.
i need a job.
if anyone knows anywhere that's hiring (no fast food, no teenage jobs, something normal.) please do tell me. i need gas moneys!

with that said, on to other areas of my life.
after having my bike stolen about a year ago, i recently purchased a new one on craigslist! and a fine bike it is! so if anyone's up to some light biking, call me up and bring me along!

can't really say much else, i don't have anything else goin' on right now.
well, i guess i do. but that's personal stuff, this ain't no journal, its a blog.



my bike!
who thinks i should paint it and/or give it a classy name?



UPDATE: (Friday, August 28th)
strangely enough, in regard to what i said earlier about my bike being stolen,
today a couple people i know (Jared and Ryan) found my stolen bike parked next to a gas station near where i used to go to school.
we confronted the guy, we argued for a bit, we needed translating, and long story short, i got my old bike back.
even though it had been stripped of handlebar pads, and kick stand, it did however get a new seat.
fuck yeah.

my luck is a strange mistress,
one minute its punching me in the face like a freight train,
other times its like making out with the most beautiful angel in the middle of the day,
but times like this its like...
well its like getting a stolen bike back right after buying a "new" one.
i need a name for my luck, just so i can yell at it when it strikes again.

who wants to help name my luck and my two bikes?




its so fucking hot right now,

Michael Castellanos!

Cinema

Last Friday, I planned to make movie day.
and i must say it went quite well. I saw almost four movies with a couple friends.

first up, It Might Get Loud. A film which documents the gathering of four fantastic and legendary guitarists, Jimmy Paige, Jack White, and The Edge, as they go forth and discuss guitar, and rock rock in general, the film begins to tell the tale of their guitar history, all the way back to thier first guitar. its a wonderful film and a must see for fans of U2, The White Stripes, or Led Zeppelin, or tasteful rock music in general.

the next movie we saw was Cold Souls. Starring Paul Giamatti as Paul Giamatti, whom is tired of life and decides to extract his soul that is burdening him down, only to have it lost when he wants it back. a rather strange film, it does have its moments of thought and hilarity. does anyone else remember the Simpsons episode where Bart sells his soul to Millhouse? its like that episode, only a movie, starring Paul Giamatti and Russians.

and now my favorite movie of those seen, District 9. i cannot really describe this film in words. every time i try to explain it to someone i say too much. so in short, watch it, its fantastic and glorious.

the last movie i tried to watch was Hard Candy, but it got too late and i had to depart towards the beginning of the film. how disappointing.


on another note, i am currently working on a movie myself.
the title is still pending, though i am quite fond of its tentative title, Vita.
its a film of disappointment, depression, death, and life afterward.
its still a bit tough to fully describe the film, but here's a screen shot of the first scene in which my character's girlfriend breaks up with him.



it's not much so far, but its a start. it should be on DVD by the beginning of 2010.




stay classy,

Michael Castellanos!

Reflecting on a night's work.

Now, i cannot say i lead an entirely average teenage life. Average meaning, typical teenager stuff. And yet, i feel strangely and teenagerly angsty that i don't lead that life. which i suppose is an oxymoron since a large percent of teenage life is angst. i am a rather boring person, i've run out of stories to tell and I've already started to repeat them again and again, like the octogenarians we all picture and stereotype.

I don't 'party', or really ever have anything to do with them whatsoever. I'm not sure if its because i don't like 'parties', that's what i tell myself, but rarely am i ever invited to any, rarely do my friends have any, and those that do, do not invite me. Am I a fun person anymore? personally i don't think so. i feel as though I've already settled down and started a family, unfortunately by myself. of course this is not to say i don't do anything whatsoever, i do a lot, its just that, i look around and feel I'm not doing enough to live up to my age.

i am always willing to do anything, i set my schedule around the situations for fun, adventure, or love that may arise, much to my dismay rarely do any of these things ever happen. i don't think i take enough initiative to do anything though. today i finally took the initiative to call someone up that i've been putting off calling up -- only due to sheer fear and anxiety, mostly because she makes me quite nervous these days. but now finally i have an answer to a "why did you call me" question -- only to end up arguing with her, and winning? did i win that argument? does anyone ever win arguments? and so i laid down and felt like excrement, thinking of things i rather should have said. my mind quickly flashed though past experiences, and i concluded that i am running out of time to find out the truth behind our back-and-forth's, and its very likely i don't want to know, but i hate mysteries... i always have to know; albeit, i think i hate the truth more, but i can tell easily when someone is lying.

i read a friends poem today of a dance with death. and i thought to myself, "i wish i could dance." i don't care if that's a self-centered thought. i would totally like to dance, dammit.

I'm going hiking tomorrow with some of the last few friends who care to have me around, and whom i can still look in the eye and not get sick; and also maybe a special guest appearance of another friend whom i have no idea of their perception of me, be it great or god-awful.

With luck, tomorrow will be a good day.


UPDATE:
2:47 am August 13
It was a totally good day.



don't change that channel,

Michael Castellanos!

My Life So Far (AKA: Another Shot At Blogging)

I can't really say much at this point, yet at the same time, i feel i have to a lot to state to whomever decides to read.
I've tried blogging before, but to not much success and/or satisfaction. Perhaps i'll give it another shot. I'm not quite sure how to even start thing. I Guess I'll start off by introducing myself.

- My name is Michael Castellanos.
- I am about to start college at Mt. SAC. But due to overpopulation, i could not get any good classes.
- I've always wanted to start a webcomic, maybe my posts will include comics from time to time.
- My life so far has been a strange mix of joy hatred love and dissatisfaction. But I'll just chalk that up to the fact I'm a teenager, it just seems to explain everything so nicely.
- I am open to meeting new people, but i am hesitant to actually going out and meeting new people, don't let that keep you from trying to get to know me. I'll tell you my life's story if you ask nicely enough.
- I am trying very hard to be a filmmaker, but i am mostly all talk; i can come up with a great idea, but i have no initiative. But i am currently working on a new movie, of which i'll keep you updated on.
- And as you can see above i also know how to use semi-colons!

Well'p, there's my attempt at trying to introduce myself to you all.
Chances are you'll get to know me more and more if you keep reading.



Thanks For Staying Interested!

Michael Castellanos!