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Saturday, September 26, 2009

You're My Best Friend

marking the end of a very long first week of school, i must say: fuck! seriously, to the max, dude.
its just weird going to a school where the amount of unity there is amongst itself is ridiculous, and still feel alienated, its strange, really. everywhere i turn i find a new ground to hang out with, only until i feel strangely unwelcomed soon after, or am instantly a third wheel, fuck do i hate being the third wheel. everyone has their groups which can hang out for hours, and each person will have something meaningful to talk about all the time. everyone has their group of best friends, who hang out all the time, or their personal best friend, whom they can talk forever with.
the most i contemplate on this, the more thorough i realize: i do not posses a best friend.
seriously? what the fuck? i really thought i did, but i was sadly mistaken. is it because i can't meet new people? i'm not a loner by choice here! i haven't had a best friend in years! everywhere i look someone runs up to someone with an unexpected big hug and a silly pet name, or someone is calling someone else up to ask where they are, and to come join them on whatever mundane adventure they're up to. wheres my unexpected hug? wheres my silly pet name? am i unpleasant to be around? am i boring? do i run out of things to say that fast? i'm going so say yes, but conversation has seemed to become a one way street here, once i run out of something to say, it gets to become an unbearably non-michael-oriented inside-joke-ridden shitstorm of a conversation
is this post my subtle cry for help? no. its me fucking yelling into a megaphone at your faces shouting, "HELP!" need i sing the lyrics to the Beatles' hit title Help!? which is surprisingly accurate to what i'm dealing with here.
(side note! fact: every life experience you're going through, there's a Beatles song about it.)
i'm so fucking sick and tired of having to go out and asking groups of my 'friends', "where are you guys going?" "can i come?"
when was the last time i was invited somewhere? i can't remember; that's pathetic. no one has called me in a long time to ask me, "lets go do something right now, anything." so dear readers i plead my cause to you, i need a best friend. someone who will wonder where i am, and why the hell i'm not doing something stupid with them. the mere thought that i can probably go an entire weekend standing, sitting, laying, dying, in my dorm room, without anyone once saying, "wheres Michael right now?" sickens me to the core of my soul.
why haven't i said this out loud before? i'm not sure dear readers. perhaps its because i feel more confident behind the wall of quasi-anonymity of the internet, maybe. i just need some help here (yes, read the lyrics) because i'm having one hell of a tough time without the help of my friends.

topical music:
Beatles - with a little help from my friends
Beatles - help!
Beatles - yesterday

god, how insanely sad this is! i have to stoop to asking for help by throwing out a request to the anonymous wind that is the internet to solve my crippling social handicaps.

perhaps my interests are just way too specific.
thats probably it.

my feet feel like sandpaper,

Michael Castellanos!

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Voice of God (is drunk)

well, September has been crazy as shit.
in less than five days i made the dumbass decision to move up to northern california and go to Pacific Union College, an Adventist College, i should've stayed with my job, wouldn't have made a difference. just thought quitting that job would yield better results, i was fucking wrong as usual! well, now it looks like i'm in it for the long haul! at least some people are happy to see me, everyone else who isn't can just go to hell. i'm just gonna make the most of it. things just keep getting weirder and weirder for me.

these are in fact, very true stories:
a week and a half before leaving, i was at the thrift store, and a girl about my age with long black hair walks up to me (yeah, she was pretty cute, but my standards are low, so fuck off) and asks me, "what makes you tick?" and i must say i am proud of myself for not freaking out, i totally said something witty: "i'm not sure, am i supposed to tick? i really think somethings broken in there. goddamn ticking all the time." it made her laugh, she walked closer, gave me a hug, and said "thanks." she walks off and i'm still in a daze, i ask her for her name but she said without turning back, "i have no idea!"
thrift store chicks are weird.

a couple days ago some guy was doing a religious speaking, talking about listening to the voice of god. about how god spoke to him to go into being a pastor or something by yelling at him while he was sitting in class, the whole disembodied voice deal. i didn't think much of it until yesterday. i was laying in my bunk by myself, just thinking about life. and i hear the voice right next to my face, not a booming greatness, but a calm but stern, "go party."
great, what the hell do i do with that? is god just telling me to chill out and party? isn't that bad advice for something who is just 're'starting college?

well ladies and gentlemen, life's a confusing bitch, always will be,
just gotta find the cool spot on the pillow and sleep our problems away.

speaking of cool spots,
why is it still so hot!?

thanks for everything i've done for you,
i no longer love you,
lets party the night away,

Michael Castellanos!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What Now?

What happens after college? are we bound to the ties that are created in high school, regardless of distance? can ties that were broken be re-strengthened post high school? are the people we meet and befriend in college become our life friends? what if no friends are made? are we allowed to hold on for dear life to the friendships we've made, wish to keep, or wish we didn't let die out?
can college be a new start? is it polite to ask for a reset button? can we go up to someone ask flat out ask, "hi, i would like to start over with you. forget everything, good and bad in high school, lets restart and see where this takes us, because i am not sure if i'm happy with the way it is now and i don't really know who you are anymore."
too blunt?
how does one go about meeting new people, i'm too self aware to just bump into people, getting our papers mixed up, and twist-of-fate-ingly find out we have something in common. personally i don't think i can meet new people on my own.
if that's my problem making friends, how the hell do i expect myself to ask anyone out on a date? i can say, lets go do etc. etc., but for some reason i can't find the guts to add, "just us two." it always ends up with "the whole gang."
one on one conversations just don't seem to work for me anymore. i can talk and talk if you keep talking and talking, ask me a question, i'll answer! don't stop! then i'll stop! and then we prematurely go our separate ways.
in france, they say that during those long pauses in conversations, its an angel ascending to heaven. makes me feel nice, but what the fuck do the french say about the long pauses in conversations that just end conversations? what the FUCK do i do with that? am i cursed with really fat angels? who take excruciating amounts of time to freaking ascend?
how do we continue a conversation with someone who is so interesting, but for some reason refuses to share anything with you? talk about yourself? i've run out of things to say about myself. in all honesty, i've spent more time talking with myself than in actual conversations. it never used to be like this. we used to talk for hours. what happened?

on a side note, newly purchased Beatles Rock Band,
rocks about as much, or more than, i thought it would.
totally awesome, great it you love the beatles,
fantastic if you love music.

i also managed to watch the new film 9 today.
although people have said its boring,
they're probably just being pretentious.
fun movie!
i fully enjoyed it.
i don't really wish to say much else though.
only out of being a bit tired.

i think i love you so very very much,

Michael Castellanos!