Life feels super good right now.
i'm far away from the home i love.
my coolest friends are over 400 miles away from me.
i have almost no money.
i have no job.
i am at a creative standstill.
i am out of shape.
i broke my keyboard by spilling chocolate milk all over it.
i can't play the guitar at my side.
my hair is falling out.
i have homework to do.
i've lost the connection with the girl i fell in love with,
what we once had has died,
and i don't know if i could've done anything to stop it from happening.
attempts to make connections with other women have been in vain.
but i feel confidant, i have hope, i have music, and i feel really good.
i'm just not entirely sure why.
i'm not sure what i'm hoping for either.
has the line between how i should feel and how i want to feel
been so blurred i can't tell the difference anymore?
what is going on with this fantastic mood.
everything is just glorious right now.
Michael Castellanos?
Friday, January 8, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Reflections of 2009
Ladies and people, 2009 has come and gone.
lets all see what it has to show for itself after the jump!
lets all see what it has to show for itself after the jump!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
More Neglect
hello there!
i feel i'm neglecting this thing way too often.
but i guess i just don't have much going on my life to talk about.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Life Updates:
- i lost my backpack, all my photo negatives were in there. ...and my journal..
- looks like quarter one journal won't be published anytime soon, sorry.
- as mexicans, we're gonna open presents in about three hours! i'm fairly excited!
- new film Block is finished!!!
watch is here!
and Donate to Cinemapod Pictures!
- planned and executed my first crazyass party, i don't remember much of it, success.
- christmas shopping was less than extravagant. got videogames for my brothers, still need to paint a helmet for a friend, and buy stuff from a folk music store for another. i'm deciding on whether or not to make something for another friend, but after the shit i've been through, i might decide against getting her anything. but i still want to, just because i have a cool idea for a gift. might get stuff for other people as well, just don't have the time or money, maybe later, ya know, late christmas presents. hahaha
well thats all for now.
stay tuned for my next post: Reflections of 2009.
Pleasant Holidays to You All,
Michael Castellanos!
i feel i'm neglecting this thing way too often.
but i guess i just don't have much going on my life to talk about.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Life Updates:
- i lost my backpack, all my photo negatives were in there. ...and my journal..
- looks like quarter one journal won't be published anytime soon, sorry.
- as mexicans, we're gonna open presents in about three hours! i'm fairly excited!
- new film Block is finished!!!
watch is here!
and Donate to Cinemapod Pictures!
- planned and executed my first crazyass party, i don't remember much of it, success.
- christmas shopping was less than extravagant. got videogames for my brothers, still need to paint a helmet for a friend, and buy stuff from a folk music store for another. i'm deciding on whether or not to make something for another friend, but after the shit i've been through, i might decide against getting her anything. but i still want to, just because i have a cool idea for a gift. might get stuff for other people as well, just don't have the time or money, maybe later, ya know, late christmas presents. hahaha
well thats all for now.
stay tuned for my next post: Reflections of 2009.
Pleasant Holidays to You All,
Michael Castellanos!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Eleven Down, One To Go.
December!
okay, so i'm rarely posting up on this bloggy asshole.
mostly because i don't really have much to write about that isn't about self-loathing and me being a sad sack. (which is neither fun to read or write, so i'm trying to do both of us a favor.)
i haven't been writing much in the ol' journal for similar reasons.
anywho,
i went back home for a week for thanksgiving. it rocked pretty fucking hard. being away from this shit hole for a week was fantastic and just what i needed. as you can probably tell, what slim hopes i had of liking it here in Angwin were slowly, surely, and brutally extinguished. so in short: puc is slowly killing my soul and depression is seeping through my once pleasant exterior once again, great.
but regardless of how i feel i'm going to pin this little phase on the fact i'm still a teenager, and teenagers are stupid.
in business news,
i haven't touched Yesterday's News, Vita, or another untitled project i'm working on. i did, in fact finish filming the short Block, i am currently editing it, and will be finishing it by the end of the week. Here is a raw still from Block:
i'm hoping it will turn out alright in the end, we lost too much daylight on the last available day to film and had to improvise like crazy. it was a lot of fun working behind a camera on a no boundary story once again. but now that i'm procrastinating on my dying computer in this dorm room i call an Editing Bay, i find myself full of mixed feelings. Editing is a bitch.
i've decided on not giving up,
but i haven't decided on what exactly i'm not giving up on.
quite the conundrum.
Michael Castellanos!
okay, so i'm rarely posting up on this bloggy asshole.
mostly because i don't really have much to write about that isn't about self-loathing and me being a sad sack. (which is neither fun to read or write, so i'm trying to do both of us a favor.)
i haven't been writing much in the ol' journal for similar reasons.
anywho,
i went back home for a week for thanksgiving. it rocked pretty fucking hard. being away from this shit hole for a week was fantastic and just what i needed. as you can probably tell, what slim hopes i had of liking it here in Angwin were slowly, surely, and brutally extinguished. so in short: puc is slowly killing my soul and depression is seeping through my once pleasant exterior once again, great.
but regardless of how i feel i'm going to pin this little phase on the fact i'm still a teenager, and teenagers are stupid.
in business news,
i haven't touched Yesterday's News, Vita, or another untitled project i'm working on. i did, in fact finish filming the short Block, i am currently editing it, and will be finishing it by the end of the week. Here is a raw still from Block:
i'm hoping it will turn out alright in the end, we lost too much daylight on the last available day to film and had to improvise like crazy. it was a lot of fun working behind a camera on a no boundary story once again. but now that i'm procrastinating on my dying computer in this dorm room i call an Editing Bay, i find myself full of mixed feelings. Editing is a bitch.
i've decided on not giving up,
but i haven't decided on what exactly i'm not giving up on.
quite the conundrum.
Michael Castellanos!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Neglect (i'm sorry blog!)
well i suppose i haven't been here in a while.
lots of strange new things happening.
sometimes great, sometimes awful.
i haven't been posting much here since i have been currently "writing" a journal.
once the year? semester? quarter? is over, i will publish this journal for free tickets for entry into my brain.
Updates:
- Need to film movie
- Yesterday's News is constantly changing plot
- Vita is untouched
- New short 'BLOCK' is currently being written
- San Francisco is EXPENSIVE and is draining my wallet
- Relationships with "tha' ladies": poor, as usual tradition
- Currently trying to change Relationship status: (see above update)
- Still trying to grow a beard
- Doodle-Book has turned into a quasi-journal, possible zine soon?
- Learned the difference between Quasi and Pseudo.
- May write and publish life stories as script/zine/short story since the subject has yet to come up in any conversations with anyone.
- Is keeping a .txt file of quotes people around me have said, just for movie additions.
- Bought an XBOX 360, modded it, found out MANY modded consoles are currently being caught and banned. i fear for my 360.
- Have been watching many old movies.
- I have MANY movies on my list of movies to watch, its actually stressing me out.
- Totally missing home and disliking it here.
- I'm kind of in a band now? (Classic Surf Rock Band?)
- I'm desperate for money and companionship but I refuse to merge the two in fear of what i may become.
- Suddenly getting in touch with old acquaintances, or getting to know people more than i used to know about them.
And i'm finding it strange.
i suppose that's all that's new.
please keep reading for further update.
feel free to comment, i'd like to hear reactions to my finger thoughts.
please consider me for the position,
i'm really a qualified guy,
and yeah, this is me applying for the job nonchalantly!
Michael Castellanos!
lots of strange new things happening.
sometimes great, sometimes awful.
i haven't been posting much here since i have been currently "writing" a journal.
once the year? semester? quarter? is over, i will publish this journal for free tickets for entry into my brain.
Updates:
- Need to film movie
- Yesterday's News is constantly changing plot
- Vita is untouched
- New short 'BLOCK' is currently being written
- San Francisco is EXPENSIVE and is draining my wallet
- Relationships with "tha' ladies": poor, as usual tradition
- Currently trying to change Relationship status: (see above update)
- Still trying to grow a beard
- Doodle-Book has turned into a quasi-journal, possible zine soon?
- Learned the difference between Quasi and Pseudo.
- May write and publish life stories as script/zine/short story since the subject has yet to come up in any conversations with anyone.
- Is keeping a .txt file of quotes people around me have said, just for movie additions.
- Bought an XBOX 360, modded it, found out MANY modded consoles are currently being caught and banned. i fear for my 360.
- Have been watching many old movies.
- I have MANY movies on my list of movies to watch, its actually stressing me out.
- Totally missing home and disliking it here.
- I'm kind of in a band now? (Classic Surf Rock Band?)
- I'm desperate for money and companionship but I refuse to merge the two in fear of what i may become.
- Suddenly getting in touch with old acquaintances, or getting to know people more than i used to know about them.
And i'm finding it strange.
i suppose that's all that's new.
please keep reading for further update.
feel free to comment, i'd like to hear reactions to my finger thoughts.
please consider me for the position,
i'm really a qualified guy,
and yeah, this is me applying for the job nonchalantly!
Michael Castellanos!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
My City by the Bay
PUC's perks:
weather is nice,
classes are cool,
its proximity to San Francisco makes up for the fact its PUC.
Saturday, October 24, best day in a very long time.
Yellow Sub
Exploring
Why Isn't Chris von Snidern Famous?
(Met New People)
Sorry, Thanks
[Not Pictured]
Met Even More New People
[Not Pictured]
Ran Frantically Through the Streets of San Francisco
(something that has been on my list of things to do before i die,
and we did it three times (insert smiley face).)
like fresh water after wandering through the desert for many years,
...just what i needed.
till we meet again,
Michael Castellanos!
Note To Self:
$4 toll road to get in,
Take more pictures,
Make a better map,
Pack Many MANY Quarters,
Ditch the car,
Learn the BART and MUNI,
Another $4 toll to get out,
have something to talk about on a long car ride.
weather is nice,
classes are cool,
its proximity to San Francisco makes up for the fact its PUC.
Saturday, October 24, best day in a very long time.
Yellow Sub
Exploring
Why Isn't Chris von Snidern Famous?
(Met New People)
Sorry, Thanks
[Not Pictured]
Met Even More New People
[Not Pictured]
Ran Frantically Through the Streets of San Francisco
(something that has been on my list of things to do before i die,
and we did it three times (insert smiley face).)
like fresh water after wandering through the desert for many years,
...just what i needed.
till we meet again,
Michael Castellanos!
Note To Self:
$4 toll road to get in,
Take more pictures,
Make a better map,
Pack Many MANY Quarters,
Ditch the car,
Learn the BART and MUNI,
Another $4 toll to get out,
have something to talk about on a long car ride.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
October 14, 2009
well its almost been a month since getting here.
hmmm.
i really want to go home.
i miss my family, my house, my bed, my bathroom.
heres my new home:
i just had to leave it all didn't i?
what a complete idiot i was, thinking i'd be accepted here with open arms.
its not like people here aren't nice, no, quite the contrary, most are very pleasant.
i just can't fully connect with these people. its like its still high school here, everyone already has their clicks. yes i'm welcome in it, but they're already a tight-knit group of pals. rarely can i find someone to hang out with who isn't already fully engaged in a group, or can easily part from group to group; and to that one person i say, "thank you very much!" regardless if it be from pity or not.
i must say though, the classes are awesome.
heres a picture of my schedule:
my roommate is groovy, he feels he can tell me anything, the feeling isn't mutual however. not because i'm a dick, i just don't like speaking of my personal life, fuck, i don't even like thinking about it.
i do wish i had a really good friend over here.
or anywhere for that matter.
everyone here has that one person they can tell everything to or do anything with,
everyone has a numero uno. regardless of whats going on.
it almost feels like i've left nothing for nothing.
i haven't had the rich privilege of a best friend for few years now.
and it totally sucks largely.
but i realize, you, my readers, are my best friends.
i love you dearly, and hate you passionately.
because you're nice enough to read my thoughts,
but none of you need me whatsoever.
but i don't give a shit, i'll tell you anything.
so here's my truth: i came here thinking i would have a best friend.
i came here with the hope i would have someone to introduce me to new people,
(since i'm not too great at meeting new people)
but my one flicker of hope i had in this place was extinguished day one.
you are dead to me.
on a side note i still have my escape, which was down for about a week and a half, and i almost went insane. goes to show how attached i am to my computer. hahahaha
i can sit here and write, read, watch, listen. when engaged in any of those, i get to forget where i am, and for those fleeting moments, i'm home. not just home, but home during a much brighter era of my life.
but then reality strikes like the morning after the best dream you've ever had.
"it's 2009, you are not home, and you have no one."
don't worry too much about me, readers.
yes i'm depressed, but i have been for a long time now.
(there was that period in which i was happy as a clam,
but i don't think that really existed.)
life giving me shit doesn't mean i can't keep trying here!
fuck you universe!
i'm not giving up!
-a strange guy who only talks about rock and roll wants me in his band!
-for the first time in over a year i'm inspired!
-my rage and depression are subsiding!
-i'm trying to work up the courage to ask out a pretty girl!
-my shoes glow in the dark!
-i'm iconic for being Michael, the brooding guy with long hair who rides a motor bike! (people know who i am!)
-i have a motor bike!
-i'm working on movies again!
-a fire engine full of girls my age passed by, they said i was cute.
just gotta go out there and try again.
hit the reset button of life and work my way through college.
although i don't think i'll be here long.
this is not where i belong. i'm really not wanted here.
moving on to other subjects!
- stopped work on "Vita" since i moved and do not have access to my actors
- i may rewrite "Vita" for on campus filming
- i received the new Protomen album in the mail!
you must buy it if you are a fan of rock music, operas, rock operas, megaman, or just any decent music whatsoever.buy it now, its so tasty.
it is a prequel to their self titled album, following a young Thomas Light and Albert Wiley as they first create their mechanical city.
- i started writing a new movie tentatively titled "Yesterday's News"
Tentative Synopsis for "Yesterday's News":
crappy hitman/mercenary/guy-for-hire races his ex-fiance(a bar owner/ex hitwoman)for one last hit. most likely will be funny, planning a fun twist at the end.
thats all the news for now.
keep me in your thoughts so that i don't give up.
times are tough.
thanks for reading.
everything right is wrong again,
Michael Castellanos!
hmmm.
i really want to go home.
i miss my family, my house, my bed, my bathroom.
heres my new home:
i just had to leave it all didn't i?
what a complete idiot i was, thinking i'd be accepted here with open arms.
its not like people here aren't nice, no, quite the contrary, most are very pleasant.
i just can't fully connect with these people. its like its still high school here, everyone already has their clicks. yes i'm welcome in it, but they're already a tight-knit group of pals. rarely can i find someone to hang out with who isn't already fully engaged in a group, or can easily part from group to group; and to that one person i say, "thank you very much!" regardless if it be from pity or not.
i must say though, the classes are awesome.
heres a picture of my schedule:
my roommate is groovy, he feels he can tell me anything, the feeling isn't mutual however. not because i'm a dick, i just don't like speaking of my personal life, fuck, i don't even like thinking about it.
i do wish i had a really good friend over here.
or anywhere for that matter.
everyone here has that one person they can tell everything to or do anything with,
everyone has a numero uno. regardless of whats going on.
it almost feels like i've left nothing for nothing.
i haven't had the rich privilege of a best friend for few years now.
and it totally sucks largely.
but i realize, you, my readers, are my best friends.
i love you dearly, and hate you passionately.
because you're nice enough to read my thoughts,
but none of you need me whatsoever.
but i don't give a shit, i'll tell you anything.
so here's my truth: i came here thinking i would have a best friend.
i came here with the hope i would have someone to introduce me to new people,
(since i'm not too great at meeting new people)
but my one flicker of hope i had in this place was extinguished day one.
you are dead to me.
on a side note i still have my escape, which was down for about a week and a half, and i almost went insane. goes to show how attached i am to my computer. hahahaha
i can sit here and write, read, watch, listen. when engaged in any of those, i get to forget where i am, and for those fleeting moments, i'm home. not just home, but home during a much brighter era of my life.
but then reality strikes like the morning after the best dream you've ever had.
"it's 2009, you are not home, and you have no one."
don't worry too much about me, readers.
yes i'm depressed, but i have been for a long time now.
(there was that period in which i was happy as a clam,
but i don't think that really existed.)
life giving me shit doesn't mean i can't keep trying here!
fuck you universe!
i'm not giving up!
-a strange guy who only talks about rock and roll wants me in his band!
-for the first time in over a year i'm inspired!
-my rage and depression are subsiding!
-i'm trying to work up the courage to ask out a pretty girl!
-my shoes glow in the dark!
-i'm iconic for being Michael, the brooding guy with long hair who rides a motor bike! (people know who i am!)
-i have a motor bike!
-i'm working on movies again!
-a fire engine full of girls my age passed by, they said i was cute.
just gotta go out there and try again.
hit the reset button of life and work my way through college.
although i don't think i'll be here long.
this is not where i belong. i'm really not wanted here.
moving on to other subjects!
- stopped work on "Vita" since i moved and do not have access to my actors
- i may rewrite "Vita" for on campus filming
- i received the new Protomen album in the mail!
you must buy it if you are a fan of rock music, operas, rock operas, megaman, or just any decent music whatsoever.buy it now, its so tasty.
it is a prequel to their self titled album, following a young Thomas Light and Albert Wiley as they first create their mechanical city.
- i started writing a new movie tentatively titled "Yesterday's News"
Tentative Synopsis for "Yesterday's News":
crappy hitman/mercenary/guy-for-hire races his ex-fiance(a bar owner/ex hitwoman)for one last hit. most likely will be funny, planning a fun twist at the end.
thats all the news for now.
keep me in your thoughts so that i don't give up.
times are tough.
thanks for reading.
everything right is wrong again,
Michael Castellanos!
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