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Monday, April 5, 2010

"I love you =)"

I'm not quite sure how to put this into a series of words that makes sense.
I am not too great.
And i beginning to wonder if i ever was, or ever will be.
When i am sad, do i lose my mind, and become way more sad?
Or is my mind lost when i am happy, making me delusional?
Questioning your sanity is never any fun. Interesting, but never fun.

For a while, a couple weeks back, i was dealing with a bout of Truman Show Disorder.

I can't say i enjoyed the paranoia,
but i really enjoyed the fact that things in my life were finally all falling into place not unlike a swell game of Tetris.
Every situation i was thrown into progressed in very predictable steps. That, or some situations were straight out of television.
I went a little nuts, breaking my imaginary Fourth Wall from time to time,
looking into the vast and distant void and shrugging my shoulders, as if to cut to commercial.
I was paranoid, weirded out, but life was well. Things ALWAYS seemed to work themselves out.
and if not, there was always something or someone there to pick up the pieces of myself.
Every strange situation had a backstory which i figured out soon enough, with a positive ending for each episode.

This has ended.

With the departure of my 'Insanity,' i have currently gone slightly insane.
"Michael, you limey fucker! that makes no sense!" you may say.
and to that i respond, "whoa there! let me explain myself! filthy brit."
Things are no longer falling into place. Stuff seems to just happen now,
with bits and pieces of life falling wherever it pleases, not unlike the game of Tetris without someone at the controls.
Stuff just doesn't 'Work Out' anymore. I am beginning to miss the cameras watching,
every move around me meticulously planned.
the writers always made sure i was never sad, that i was never hurt, that i was okay.
show lost its ratings, so it was canned, and i resumed to where i left off: Nowhere.

Situations like these people have friends they talk to, the elusive "Best Friend"
i haven't had a "best friend" to talk to in over three years.
most people i've tried to converse with on the subject of my life have just pried and gave me shit.
and to them i give my solid, "Fuck You" and "Back the Fuck off."
however i do believe i am on the verge of meeting that someone i can actually talk to about my life.
but how does one spark such a conversation?
"hi there, i have really grown to trust you. i haven't felt so alone in a long time and i really need someone to talk to."
and from there, just jumping straight into my life's story, impolitely tossing my burden onto them.
which in my opinion, is well, impolite, and totally uncool.

Earlier today i received a 'question' in my inbox saying, "I Love you =)"
My first reaction was along the lines of, "hey! someone loves me! or at least likes me enough to say so, or is stalking me."
this quickly evolved into the mindset of, "no one loves me. this is just some asshole pranking me."
flip-flopping to this, "while no one does love me, maybe its someone just cheering me up."
again switching to, "its probably some asshole."
which got me thinking:
"when was the last time someone said they loved me and meant it? did they ever mean it? i did."
This obviously got me pretty down. so i just settled on the idea that someone is just cheering me up.
that mindset didn't help much after my brain got to it first.

Two nights ago i could not sleep. My mind racing, heart racing, soul drowning.
Last night i slept from 1am to 2pm, then again from 7pm to almost midnight.
I've been up since then, slouched over my black keyboard and white and gray wireless mouse,
juggling the procrastination of homework, writing, deep thought, and a shower.
i have managed to finish my homework.

A couple hours ago while taking a break from my homework,
i went onto my favorite animator Don Hertzfeldt's website and began to read his online journal
I read this tidbit from an entry and began to laugh to myself, in an almost solemn manner.
i was trying to text someone on AIM today, but every time i typed it froze and said "an unknown failure occurred."
what a great phrase, what a great running theme for life.
whenever i try to do anything there should be an apologetic little subtitle appearing just under my head reading,
"an unknown failure occurred."
and as i stand there failed and confused, people could sort of half-smile sympathetically and maybe give me a little treat.
Needless to say, i half-smiled sympathetically and wanted to give him a treat.
Needless to say, i wished for this suggestion to be reality for myself as well.

I had freeze-dried pho soup today.
delicious as it was, it left a disgusting aftersmell on my upper lip.
unfamiliar and unappetizing, much like the idea of a foreign soup.

Two nights ago i was told a story that made me lose my appetite.
that same night that story unfolded a bit more, making me sick.
Yesterday i ate a small bag of doughnuts, left over french fries, and a small slice of pie.
as little at that is compared to my usual diet, i was never hungry.
Today i ate a bowl of rice, with some chicken on it, a single bagel, and that bowl of Pho.
But i was still never hungry, only eating out of necessity.
Am i ever going to regain my appetite?

The longest story i had to tell has finally ended,
i hate the ending.
it's getting a re-write soon. With my own ending.

Stay Tuned,

Michael Castellanos!

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