More Neglect

hello there!
i feel i'm neglecting this thing way too often.
but i guess i just don't have much going on my life to talk about.
Merry Christmas Eve!

Life Updates:
- i lost my backpack, all my photo negatives were in there. ...and my journal..
- looks like quarter one journal won't be published anytime soon, sorry.
- as mexicans, we're gonna open presents in about three hours! i'm fairly excited!
- new film Block is finished!!!
watch is here!
and Donate to Cinemapod Pictures!
- planned and executed my first crazyass party, i don't remember much of it, success.
- christmas shopping was less than extravagant. got videogames for my brothers, still need to paint a helmet for a friend, and buy stuff from a folk music store for another. i'm deciding on whether or not to make something for another friend, but after the shit i've been through, i might decide against getting her anything. but i still want to, just because i have a cool idea for a gift. might get stuff for other people as well, just don't have the time or money, maybe later, ya know, late christmas presents. hahaha


well thats all for now.
stay tuned for my next post: Reflections of 2009.




Pleasant Holidays to You All,

Michael Castellanos!

Eleven Down, One To Go.

December!
okay, so i'm rarely posting up on this bloggy asshole.
mostly because i don't really have much to write about that isn't about self-loathing and me being a sad sack. (which is neither fun to read or write, so i'm trying to do both of us a favor.)
i haven't been writing much in the ol' journal for similar reasons.
anywho,
i went back home for a week for thanksgiving. it rocked pretty fucking hard. being away from this shit hole for a week was fantastic and just what i needed. as you can probably tell, what slim hopes i had of liking it here in Angwin were slowly, surely, and brutally extinguished. so in short: puc is slowly killing my soul and depression is seeping through my once pleasant exterior once again, great.

but regardless of how i feel i'm going to pin this little phase on the fact i'm still a teenager, and teenagers are stupid.

in business news,
i haven't touched Yesterday's News, Vita, or another untitled project i'm working on. i did, in fact finish filming the short Block, i am currently editing it, and will be finishing it by the end of the week. Here is a raw still from Block:

i'm hoping it will turn out alright in the end, we lost too much daylight on the last available day to film and had to improvise like crazy. it was a lot of fun working behind a camera on a no boundary story once again. but now that i'm procrastinating on my dying computer in this dorm room i call an Editing Bay, i find myself full of mixed feelings. Editing is a bitch.



i've decided on not giving up,
but i haven't decided on what exactly i'm not giving up on.
quite the conundrum.

Michael Castellanos!

Neglect (i'm sorry blog!)

well i suppose i haven't been here in a while.
lots of strange new things happening.
sometimes great, sometimes awful.

i haven't been posting much here since i have been currently "writing" a journal.
once the year? semester? quarter? is over, i will publish this journal for free tickets for entry into my brain.

Updates:
- Need to film movie
- Yesterday's News is constantly changing plot
- Vita is untouched
- New short 'BLOCK' is currently being written
- San Francisco is EXPENSIVE and is draining my wallet
- Relationships with "tha' ladies": poor, as usual tradition
- Currently trying to change Relationship status: (see above update)
- Still trying to grow a beard
- Doodle-Book has turned into a quasi-journal, possible zine soon?
- Learned the difference between Quasi and Pseudo.
- May write and publish life stories as script/zine/short story since the subject has yet to come up in any conversations with anyone.
- Is keeping a .txt file of quotes people around me have said, just for movie additions.
- Bought an XBOX 360, modded it, found out MANY modded consoles are currently being caught and banned. i fear for my 360.
- Have been watching many old movies.
- I have MANY movies on my list of movies to watch, its actually stressing me out.
- Totally missing home and disliking it here.
- I'm kind of in a band now? (Classic Surf Rock Band?)
- I'm desperate for money and companionship but I refuse to merge the two in fear of what i may become.
- Suddenly getting in touch with old acquaintances, or getting to know people more than i used to know about them.
And i'm finding it strange.


i suppose that's all that's new.
please keep reading for further update.
feel free to comment, i'd like to hear reactions to my finger thoughts.




please consider me for the position,
i'm really a qualified guy,
and yeah, this is me applying for the job nonchalantly!

Michael Castellanos!

My City by the Bay

PUC's perks:
weather is nice,
classes are cool,
its proximity to San Francisco makes up for the fact its PUC.

Saturday, October 24, best day in a very long time.







Yellow Sub




Exploring




Why Isn't Chris von Snidern Famous?
(Met New People)




Sorry, Thanks



[Not Pictured]
Met Even More New People



[Not Pictured]
Ran Frantically Through the Streets of San Francisco
(something that has been on my list of things to do before i die,
and we did it three times (insert smiley face).)













like fresh water after wandering through the desert for many years,
...just what i needed.











till we meet again,

Michael Castellanos!





Note To Self:
$4 toll road to get in,
Take more pictures,
Make a better map,
Pack Many MANY Quarters,
Ditch the car,
Learn the BART and MUNI,
Another $4 toll to get out,
have something to talk about on a long car ride.

October 14, 2009

well its almost been a month since getting here.
hmmm.
i really want to go home.
i miss my family, my house, my bed, my bathroom.
heres my new home:




i just had to leave it all didn't i?
what a complete idiot i was, thinking i'd be accepted here with open arms.
its not like people here aren't nice, no, quite the contrary, most are very pleasant.
i just can't fully connect with these people. its like its still high school here, everyone already has their clicks. yes i'm welcome in it, but they're already a tight-knit group of pals. rarely can i find someone to hang out with who isn't already fully engaged in a group, or can easily part from group to group; and to that one person i say, "thank you very much!" regardless if it be from pity or not.
i must say though, the classes are awesome.
heres a picture of my schedule:

my roommate is groovy, he feels he can tell me anything, the feeling isn't mutual however. not because i'm a dick, i just don't like speaking of my personal life, fuck, i don't even like thinking about it.
i do wish i had a really good friend over here.
or anywhere for that matter.
everyone here has that one person they can tell everything to or do anything with,
everyone has a numero uno. regardless of whats going on.
it almost feels like i've left nothing for nothing.
i haven't had the rich privilege of a best friend for few years now.
and it totally sucks largely.
but i realize, you, my readers, are my best friends.
i love you dearly, and hate you passionately.
because you're nice enough to read my thoughts,
but none of you need me whatsoever.
but i don't give a shit, i'll tell you anything.
so here's my truth: i came here thinking i would have a best friend.
i came here with the hope i would have someone to introduce me to new people,
(since i'm not too great at meeting new people)
but my one flicker of hope i had in this place was extinguished day one.
you are dead to me.

on a side note i still have my escape, which was down for about a week and a half, and i almost went insane. goes to show how attached i am to my computer. hahahaha
i can sit here and write, read, watch, listen. when engaged in any of those, i get to forget where i am, and for those fleeting moments, i'm home. not just home, but home during a much brighter era of my life.
but then reality strikes like the morning after the best dream you've ever had.
"it's 2009, you are not home, and you have no one."

don't worry too much about me, readers.
yes i'm depressed, but i have been for a long time now.
(there was that period in which i was happy as a clam,
but i don't think that really existed.)
life giving me shit doesn't mean i can't keep trying here!
fuck you universe!
i'm not giving up!
-a strange guy who only talks about rock and roll wants me in his band!
-for the first time in over a year i'm inspired!
-my rage and depression are subsiding!
-i'm trying to work up the courage to ask out a pretty girl!
-my shoes glow in the dark!
-i'm iconic for being Michael, the brooding guy with long hair who rides a motor bike! (people know who i am!)
-i have a motor bike!
-i'm working on movies again!
-a fire engine full of girls my age passed by, they said i was cute.

just gotta go out there and try again.
hit the reset button of life and work my way through college.
although i don't think i'll be here long.
this is not where i belong. i'm really not wanted here.



moving on to other subjects!
- stopped work on "Vita" since i moved and do not have access to my actors
- i may rewrite "Vita" for on campus filming
- i received the new Protomen album in the mail!
you must buy it if you are a fan of rock music, operas, rock operas, megaman, or just any decent music whatsoever.buy it now, its so tasty.
it is a prequel to their self titled album, following a young Thomas Light and Albert Wiley as they first create their mechanical city.
- i started writing a new movie tentatively titled "Yesterday's News"
Tentative Synopsis for "Yesterday's News":
crappy hitman/mercenary/guy-for-hire races his ex-fiance(a bar owner/ex hitwoman)for one last hit. most likely will be funny, planning a fun twist at the end.


thats all the news for now.
keep me in your thoughts so that i don't give up.
times are tough.
thanks for reading.





everything right is wrong again,
Michael Castellanos!

You're My Best Friend

marking the end of a very long first week of school, i must say: fuck! seriously, to the max, dude.
its just weird going to a school where the amount of unity there is amongst itself is ridiculous, and still feel alienated, its strange, really. everywhere i turn i find a new ground to hang out with, only until i feel strangely unwelcomed soon after, or am instantly a third wheel, fuck do i hate being the third wheel. everyone has their groups which can hang out for hours, and each person will have something meaningful to talk about all the time. everyone has their group of best friends, who hang out all the time, or their personal best friend, whom they can talk forever with.
the most i contemplate on this, the more thorough i realize: i do not posses a best friend.
seriously? what the fuck? i really thought i did, but i was sadly mistaken. is it because i can't meet new people? i'm not a loner by choice here! i haven't had a best friend in years! everywhere i look someone runs up to someone with an unexpected big hug and a silly pet name, or someone is calling someone else up to ask where they are, and to come join them on whatever mundane adventure they're up to. wheres my unexpected hug? wheres my silly pet name? am i unpleasant to be around? am i boring? do i run out of things to say that fast? i'm going so say yes, but conversation has seemed to become a one way street here, once i run out of something to say, it gets to become an unbearably non-michael-oriented inside-joke-ridden shitstorm of a conversation
is this post my subtle cry for help? no. its me fucking yelling into a megaphone at your faces shouting, "HELP!" need i sing the lyrics to the Beatles' hit title Help!? which is surprisingly accurate to what i'm dealing with here.
(side note! fact: every life experience you're going through, there's a Beatles song about it.)
i'm so fucking sick and tired of having to go out and asking groups of my 'friends', "where are you guys going?" "can i come?"
when was the last time i was invited somewhere? i can't remember; that's pathetic. no one has called me in a long time to ask me, "lets go do something right now, anything." so dear readers i plead my cause to you, i need a best friend. someone who will wonder where i am, and why the hell i'm not doing something stupid with them. the mere thought that i can probably go an entire weekend standing, sitting, laying, dying, in my dorm room, without anyone once saying, "wheres Michael right now?" sickens me to the core of my soul.
why haven't i said this out loud before? i'm not sure dear readers. perhaps its because i feel more confident behind the wall of quasi-anonymity of the internet, maybe. i just need some help here (yes, read the lyrics) because i'm having one hell of a tough time without the help of my friends.

topical music:
Beatles - with a little help from my friends
Beatles - help!
Beatles - yesterday

god, how insanely sad this is! i have to stoop to asking for help by throwing out a request to the anonymous wind that is the internet to solve my crippling social handicaps.


perhaps my interests are just way too specific.
thats probably it.




my feet feel like sandpaper,

Michael Castellanos!

The Voice of God (is drunk)

well, September has been crazy as shit.
in less than five days i made the dumbass decision to move up to northern california and go to Pacific Union College, an Adventist College, i should've stayed with my job, wouldn't have made a difference. just thought quitting that job would yield better results, i was fucking wrong as usual! well, now it looks like i'm in it for the long haul! at least some people are happy to see me, everyone else who isn't can just go to hell. i'm just gonna make the most of it. things just keep getting weirder and weirder for me.

these are in fact, very true stories:
a week and a half before leaving, i was at the thrift store, and a girl about my age with long black hair walks up to me (yeah, she was pretty cute, but my standards are low, so fuck off) and asks me, "what makes you tick?" and i must say i am proud of myself for not freaking out, i totally said something witty: "i'm not sure, am i supposed to tick? i really think somethings broken in there. goddamn ticking all the time." it made her laugh, she walked closer, gave me a hug, and said "thanks." she walks off and i'm still in a daze, i ask her for her name but she said without turning back, "i have no idea!"
thrift store chicks are weird.

a couple days ago some guy was doing a religious speaking, talking about listening to the voice of god. about how god spoke to him to go into being a pastor or something by yelling at him while he was sitting in class, the whole disembodied voice deal. i didn't think much of it until yesterday. i was laying in my bunk by myself, just thinking about life. and i hear the voice right next to my face, not a booming greatness, but a calm but stern, "go party."
great, what the hell do i do with that? is god just telling me to chill out and party? isn't that bad advice for something who is just 're'starting college?


well ladies and gentlemen, life's a confusing bitch, always will be,
just gotta find the cool spot on the pillow and sleep our problems away.

speaking of cool spots,
why is it still so hot!?




thanks for everything i've done for you,
i no longer love you,
lets party the night away,

Michael Castellanos!