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Saturday, September 26, 2009

You're My Best Friend

marking the end of a very long first week of school, i must say: fuck! seriously, to the max, dude.
its just weird going to a school where the amount of unity there is amongst itself is ridiculous, and still feel alienated, its strange, really. everywhere i turn i find a new ground to hang out with, only until i feel strangely unwelcomed soon after, or am instantly a third wheel, fuck do i hate being the third wheel. everyone has their groups which can hang out for hours, and each person will have something meaningful to talk about all the time. everyone has their group of best friends, who hang out all the time, or their personal best friend, whom they can talk forever with.
the most i contemplate on this, the more thorough i realize: i do not posses a best friend.
seriously? what the fuck? i really thought i did, but i was sadly mistaken. is it because i can't meet new people? i'm not a loner by choice here! i haven't had a best friend in years! everywhere i look someone runs up to someone with an unexpected big hug and a silly pet name, or someone is calling someone else up to ask where they are, and to come join them on whatever mundane adventure they're up to. wheres my unexpected hug? wheres my silly pet name? am i unpleasant to be around? am i boring? do i run out of things to say that fast? i'm going so say yes, but conversation has seemed to become a one way street here, once i run out of something to say, it gets to become an unbearably non-michael-oriented inside-joke-ridden shitstorm of a conversation
is this post my subtle cry for help? no. its me fucking yelling into a megaphone at your faces shouting, "HELP!" need i sing the lyrics to the Beatles' hit title Help!? which is surprisingly accurate to what i'm dealing with here.
(side note! fact: every life experience you're going through, there's a Beatles song about it.)
i'm so fucking sick and tired of having to go out and asking groups of my 'friends', "where are you guys going?" "can i come?"
when was the last time i was invited somewhere? i can't remember; that's pathetic. no one has called me in a long time to ask me, "lets go do something right now, anything." so dear readers i plead my cause to you, i need a best friend. someone who will wonder where i am, and why the hell i'm not doing something stupid with them. the mere thought that i can probably go an entire weekend standing, sitting, laying, dying, in my dorm room, without anyone once saying, "wheres Michael right now?" sickens me to the core of my soul.
why haven't i said this out loud before? i'm not sure dear readers. perhaps its because i feel more confident behind the wall of quasi-anonymity of the internet, maybe. i just need some help here (yes, read the lyrics) because i'm having one hell of a tough time without the help of my friends.

topical music:
Beatles - with a little help from my friends
Beatles - help!
Beatles - yesterday

god, how insanely sad this is! i have to stoop to asking for help by throwing out a request to the anonymous wind that is the internet to solve my crippling social handicaps.

perhaps my interests are just way too specific.
thats probably it.

my feet feel like sandpaper,

Michael Castellanos!

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