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Friday, April 16, 2010

Last Few Pages of Chapter 18

Chapter 18 in my book of life is winding down. A lot has changed.
Hell, a crap load has changed.
It's almost surreal where I am in my life right now.
Can't say I didn't see much of this coming, a lot of it unexpected, I braced myself,
but life still hits you like a sack of bricks.

Juxtaposition (or lack thereof)
If someone had told me I'd be in a small nowhere town on top of a hill near Napa, California. I would have probably said something equally absurd. I would have probably said it in Spanish just for kicks.
But here I am, Angwin, CA. Looking for an escape.
Never would have expected myself to be here.
Never would have expected so many people not wanting me to leave.
and to them, I'm sorry, I can't stay, for my own sake and others, but I will be back often.

Friendships (not lack thereof)
I'm really tired of holding select people on such a pedestal they will never live up to.
But I'm tired of being disappointed in their newly discovered vices.
So I'm hitting the Reset button. I'm leveling the playing field.
I will no longer hold you up to the pedestal I once held you at.
Which is pretty cool. The new people will no longer be treated differently from the old.
The old will no longer disappoint. I will just learn more about them, as if we have just met.
So instead of a, "I had no idea they were like that, how could they do that?"
there will be a, "Really? well thats something new to add to the pile."
(the latter of the two responses are usually held for newly met people)
I have accepted that people change without a letter of notice.
I will still hang out with the people I have found the most kickass to hang out with.
I will still think that people are super awesome whom I have thought previously were super awesome;
Not because of what I thought of them before,
but because they just still do super awesome stuff today.
So really nothing has changed whatsoever in my social life,
I will just have more of a positive lookout on it.
but this is still a work in progress.
I'm not even sure what I'm talking about here,
using words to describe this just doesn't seem sufficient.
I'm don't even know how this will all work out for me though...
This is just an experiment. Any suggestions?

Relationships (lack thereof)
Another work in progress.
Ranging from myself not being good enough,
someone else being quicker on the draw,
to being a lowly pawn in someone else's much larger story.
(that last one really pissed me off.)
But like I said, its a work in progress.
So dear readers, if you are interested,
speak up! I'm so terrible at this!
A guy like me could use a partner in crime.
I guess I'm just sick of seeing everyone I know becoming so happy, so quickly, so easily,
and for some few: so stupidly, and so carelessly.
But I suppose some people work at it
and some have just fall all into place for them out of the blue.

I have so many projects sitting on my desktop right now.
It's disheartening when something you love becomes stressful.
I'm running out of time and drive to finish these projects.
That fact in itself has become very stressful right now..
I really need to finish these projects.
For the sake of my future.

Mental Status
Well it seems as though my brain is a little wonky.
That hasn't changed much. Learning to cope with that.
Hell, controlling it has actually become a little fun.
but today was pretty bad.
It was the perfect storm,
every fucking problem in my life was shoved into my face so violently and quickly...
I had my first panic attack.
Got really antsy at first, started sweating, cursing, shaking.
the whole situation was pretty downhill.
I gotta get my shit together so this doesn't happen again.
I'm almost scared i may not have what it takes to finish these last 7 weeks.
i really gotta get my shit together...
I think that whole process will be a major plot point in the next chapter.

Chapter 19: In Which Michael Gets His Shit Together.
I feel like a changed person already,
but as I've said before, its a work in progress.
I've yet to change much, but I promise, a change is coming.
For the better.
I hope.
Things are looking up.
i just hope its not one of those, it only gets worse before it gets better.
or at the very least, i hope i finished the part that is 'worse'.

Help is always appreciated.

Michael Castellanos!

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